6 Tongue-in-Cheek Things Every Dad Should Teach Their Child When They Buy Their First House

When your child buys their first home, you should certainly give yourself a little pat on the back! It’s a huge accomplishment, and you probably had a lot to do with getting them there.

But that doesn’t mean they won’t still need some help and guidance now that they’ve flown the nest. No, quite the opposite. There’s still a lot for your child to learn about the ins and outs of owning a home… stuff that isn’t in any homeowner’s manual, and only a dad can know and pass along.

Here are six cheeky nuggets of wisdom every dad should teach their kid when they get the keys to their new home, that are guaranteed to bring a smile (and a groan) to your child’s face:

1) Where to Find the Best Deal on White New Balance Sneakers

Your child is stepping into homeownership, and nothing says “I’m ready for weekend projects” like a pair of white New Balance sneakers. Scratch that — make it two pairs. They’ll need a pair for the dirty work, and a pristine pair for heading out on the town, and possibly to weddings. So knowing where to find them at rock bottom prices will help them pinch some pennies which is always helpful to a new homeowner.

2) A Corny Homeowner Joke to Use Over and Over (And Over!) Again

You can’t be with them every time the opportunity for a good homeowner related “dad joke” comes along, so you should definitely impart them with at least one they can use time and time again. But the more you can arm your kid with, the better. While you probably have a few classics of your own, here’s a few more you can throw at ‘em:

Q: Why did the homeowner send his house to therapy?
A: Because it had so many issues!

Q: Why is a house called a dwelling?
A: Because you’ll be dwelling on all those repairs when you own one!

Q: What did the father house say to the son house?
A: You’re my homeboy!

3) The Perfect Number of Tong Clicks When Grilling

Giving the tongues a test click before (and of course during) a grill session is critical. Why? Nobody has a solid answer. It’s just necessary. How many is the right amount? Well that there’s an answer to. We won’t give it away here. We’ll let you pass that secret along to your child in private.

Pro tip: Start in the living room and gradually work your way outside in front of an actual lit grill. You don’t want the neighbors seeing your kid clicking the wrong number times, so don’t let them onto the patio until they’re properly prepared, daddio.

4) The Telltale Signs That Someone Has Adjusted the Thermostat

They probably wondered why you kept such a close eye on the thermostat temps over the years, but now that they’re a homeowner, they’ll soon know why when they get their first utility bills. But with your insights and guidance, not only will they be able to tell when someone in their own house touches the thermostat, they’ll sense when a neighbor’s heat or AC gets nudged up or down even a single degree!

5) The Benefits (And Limitations) of Duct Tape

Duct tape is a fix-all tool that every homeowner should have in abundance. It can repair, reinforce, and even serve as a temporary solution for almost anything. But, remind your child that while duct tape is magical, it’s not a miracle worker. Some things do require more than just a sticky fix.

6) Your Credit Card Number… And CVV Code

Let’s be honest, you’re gonna want to sit down when you go over to visit, right? Well, in order for that to happen, your kid will need some furniture. Oh, you want a cocktail? Perhaps a nicely grilled steak? None of that stuff is free you know! And your kid is likely going to be on a tight budget. So give them a hand by giving them your credit card number so they can host your visits in style!