7 Things No Listing Can Legally Say—but Every Parent Would Love (If They Were True)

A recent listing for a $4.9 million home in Los Angeles made waves for its bold (and now-deleted) claim that every child raised there had gone on to attend an Ivy League school.

Rules and regulations are pretty strict about what you can and can’t say in a listing. Simply suggesting that a house is ideal for people who have children is a no-no, so obviously guaranteeing that any kid who lives there will get into a certain college should be avoided. Which is probably why they scrapped that from the description.

But even if it were allowed, that particular selling point might not actually be a selling point for some parents! “Umm, hold up, does this mean we have to budget for an Ivy League tuition in addition to our mortgage payment?! We were banking on in-state rates!”

However, if agents could make wild, totally unverifiable claims that would actually be a massive draw for parents, here are some outrageous (yet oddly appealing) real estate guarantees that would probably have them lining up at the door to buy the house:

1) Every baby raised here has slept through the night by week two.

Forget the sleepless nights and desperate 2AM Google searches for “how do I get my newborn to sleep?!” This house will have your babies snoozing through the night mere days after birth. The pediatrician won’t believe it. Your friends will demand to know your secret. And the secret is this house.

2) Not one child has needed braces while living in this house.

Forget costly orthodontist visits and years of awkward middle school photos! This house seems to magically align teeth with no intervention necessary. Every child raised in this home has a smile that looks like the “after” shot a dentist would use in their ads, without ever having one picture in your albums that remotely looks like a “before” photo.

3) Every child who has lived here has kept their room spotless…

While other parents are threatening to ground their kids or turn off the Wi-Fi until their room is clean, your kid will probably be using their free time to surf the internet for ways to make their room even more tidy!

4) …and has also willingly done chores around the house without being asked.

No reminders. No chore charts. Just kids who grab the vacuum or empty the dishwasher because it feels right. The only downside is that they may give you grief if you ever leave a dirty glass in the sink. But hey, no house is perfect, right?!

5) No child living here has ever asked for a pet they weren’t fully prepared to take care of.

If your kid asks for a puppy, it’ll be after they’ve already researched proper training methods, created a feeding schedule, and printed out a 30-page proposal outlining their long-term responsibilities. You’ll never mumble about how you never signed up for this as you get up before everyone in the house to take the dog-you-didn’t-want-in-the-first-place for a walk.

6) Every teenager raised in this home has eagerly hung out with their parents on weekends…

Movie nights? Game nights? Walks around the neighborhood? This house creates teens who actually enjoy family time. Other parents will assume you’ve bribed them. You haven’t. It’s just the house.

7) …but when they were out with friends, they all texted their parents back immediately.

Your calls will never be ignored. Your texts won’t sit unread for hours. You’ll never experience the cliche “Sorry, my phone was on silent” excuse from your kids if you buy this home. In fact, they may even text and call you when you’re out, just to check and make sure you’re safe, and tell you to make good choices…