Although statistics show that most FSBOs (For Sale By Owners) fail miserably when trying to sell their own home…
…this FSBO does NOT fail when it comes to delivering humor.
A homeowner in Asheville, NC has placed a Craigslist ad for his (or her?) home, and it’s nothing short of hilarious.
From the first few sentences, they had me.
“Ok Asheville, I get it. People is broke these days. Therefore I dropped the price on my house to $224,900. Go look at it, and if you don’t like it, then screw you, but I think you will like it.”
I mean, what’s not to love about this home? It offers more than a place to live. It’s just oozing with LIFESTYLE! For example, you can “jam your loud ass kids in the basement and have some freaking peace and quiet”. Better yet, it has a “freaking basketball court, for God’s sake!!”
But wait, there’s more! There’s a garage too?! Shut up and take my money because everyone knows that it’s the best place to go and…
“…drink beer and pretend like you are doing something important, and no one will ever bother you.”
“It is genius!”, the homeowner writes, and I’d have to say whoever wrote this is a genius… a genius at garnering attention.
In fact, read the whole ad yourself, in all its literary glory.
Ok Asheville, I get it. People is broke these days. Therefore I dropped the price on my house to $224,900. Go look at it, and if you don’t like it, then screw you, but I think you will like it. If you like awesome houses that are recently fixed up. You can jam your loud ass kids in the basement and have some freaking peace and quiet. So if you hate peace and quiet, then look at another house. If you want your kids to suck as basketball, then also look at another house. This house has a freaking basketball court, for gods sake. There might be some rust around the rim, but your kid can’t dunk, so don’t worry about. I know you think you can dunk, but you can’t, so buy this house.
There is also a dead end street, and people pay big money for a dead end street. You only have to pay $224,900. Kids learn to ride bikes on dead end streets, so if you want your kid to be a shitty bike rider, and suck at basketball, then buy something in Montford. Speaking of Montford, did you know you can’t build a pool in Montford? Well you can build a pool on Scottsdale Drive. You could build two pools in this yard, because it is huge. There is a huge deck, so you could get tan, and then swim in your pool. If you don’t have kids, these kinds of pimp amenities will you get a lady/man or both, that you might want to have kids with.
The floors are freaking bamboo. If it is good enough for a koala, then surely it is good enough for you. There is also a giant laundry room downstairs. That means you don’t have to pretend not to notice your significant other doing laundry, you can actually not notice in this house. That means more guilt free football, or whatever you do when you are acting like a dead beat spouse.
There are two closets in the master bedroom and one is huge, with mirrors as closet doors. If you can’t think of anything good to do with a giant mirrors in your bedroom, then you should probably buy in Montford.
Also the westside is awesome, and yes I know it is technically on the other side of Patton, so some people will look down on you, but those people live in North Asheville anyway. So you if you are in line at Biscuit Head or drinking at the Brewpump, don’t worry, the other side of Patton is cool, and getting cooler.
Did I mention there is a garage. Do you know how much nagging from your spouse you can avoid, if you have a garage. You go down there and drink beer, and pretend like you are doing something important, and no one will ever bother you. It is genius!
So in summary, if you want your kids to suck at basketball, get hit by a car, if you want to be pale and never find a suitable mate, if you are boring in the sack, and like listening to your loud ass kids scream all day, and if you hate watching football, then buy another house. If you like any of those things then buy my house before I go broke.
Here is the lame description I originally wrote if you want to hear about the boring details.
Perfect family house. Completely remodeled 4 bedroom, 3 bath West Asheville home on a quiet dead end street. Very close to everything in West Asheville. Hard to come by fenced in flat yard with large back deck overlooking basketball court. New environmentally friendly bamboo floors upstairs, tile in each bathroom, 2 large closets in master, perfect family eating room, new dishwasher, drive way, new large back deck, and big laundry room. Fourth bedroom would be perfect for an office or separate apartment, because it has its own separate entrance. Garage is perfect for a car or storing lots of toys.
Just feast your eyes on this beauty…
Hat tip for your creativity, sir, and if I was in the market to buy a freaking house, I’d buy yours!